You're only as tall as your heart will let you be, and you're only as small as the world will make you seem. And when the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall, just look on the brightside you're roughly six feet tall.

Friday was my birthday. I went to school and chloe brought me all these balloons, and I turned beat red. Everyone was all excited that it was my birthday and it was nice. Then I went to that stupid pharmacy training, it wasn't all that bad. I got out at nine and came home and started getting ready to go out. Danielle and chloe came over and we got ready together. We looked hot, I looked hot, I looked old hahaha. Then we got tair, and she always looks hot, so that wasn't any surprise and we went downtown. We had talked about going to Liars because we heard they are closing down and they weren't id-ing anyone, but we decided to go to Pure instead. I had a lot of fun. This 25 year-old semi-cute guy danced with me and he thought I was at least 21 and he said I was gorgeous and the most beautiful girl there lollolol, what a tool. But he was really nice, and he lifted up his shirt to show me his tattoos lol, it was random. Then we got home and passed out. Then I woke up at seven with Danielle to make sure she got off to work in time. Then I layed in my bed with chloe but couldn't fall asleep, so I just roamed the house and did whatever until she woke up, and then she went to work to. Then I was alone and this is when I had my slight breakdown. I was so angry that nobody like made my birthday special, and it was lame. I felt like I took off of work for everyone else's birthday and made the plans and all this stuff and no one really did anything for me. My parents were so caught up with everything going on with my grandma that they didn't even say happy birthday to me, let alone acknowledge me at all. I was so angry and tired and let down. I was supposed to do something with tair and lindsey but I felt like they put no effort in and left it up to me to make the plans, and that made me angry too. But I had to go with my parents to the hospital to visit my grandma who is in the ICU. She had major surgery and is all fucked up, pretty much. She was like not responsive and hooked up to a breathing machine and all these IV's and wires and shit. I wasn't expecting it, it was retarted. We left and got lunch and I started like freaking out about what I was going to do that day. I was being really over-dramatic and annoying mainly because I was upset to begin with and also because I got like a whole 3 hours of sleep, and it made me really emotional. So I came home and just went to sleep. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I was passed out I got like a hundred text messages and had all these missed calls when I woke up. Marty called me and wanted to take me to get ice cream, and of course I said yes, here was someone who actually made plans with me. So he picked me up and we got ice cream, then we went to his house and thats when he started acting weird. First he decided he really needed to take a shower, so he did that I layed in his bed, texting chloe, asking her what she was doing she said "nothing just hanging out with louis". Then me and marty went downstairs and watched VH1's iLove the millenium. Then he was like "lets go" and it was pouring and we aimlessly drove up and down elmwood. Then he was like "I really really have to pee!" and I really did too so he said "lets go to your house and we'll pee and then we'll figure out something to do" So we went to my house and I opened the door and there was pretty much all my friends in my living room. I was really over-whelmed, and really had to pee. But I really did not expect it at all! I was so surprised!! Louis, Chloe, Marty of course, Tahira, Lindsey, Timmy, Matt, Hillary, Danielle, her boyfriend Andy, my uncle and my family were all there. And everything was all decorated and it was really nice and I was so happy. It was exactly what I wanted, something simple with everyone there. I quickly got over being upset with tair and lindsey when i realized they knew about my party the whole time and thats probablly why they didn't put much effort in. Tair wrote me the nicest birthday letter thing ever. I had a lot of fun, and felt loved. I love my mother and chloe to death for putting it all together. Then everyone left and me and chloe went over to louis's with marty and were there til 5 in the morning, it was like light out when we came home. I got a whole 2 hours of sleep before I had to wake up and go to the second part of the pharmacy training, I actually did learn a lot. Then I came home and me and my dad ran around deleware park, its so nice to have someone to run with, plus it was perfect running weather. Then we went to the doctor's and he got his stitches out. Now I'm home and I'm making dinner for my family when they all come home. It's been a great weekend.

Today is a year since my grandma died. I thought it was going to be a lot harder than it is. Well actually, I've done my best to not think about it at all. It's not even worth getting myself worked up. I miss her, but she's in a better place. I wish she could be here to see all the great things that are going on in my life, but I know she's with me, and I know she's proud of me. And I'll see her again someday. She was always there, and helped raise me, I'll never ever forget her or the things she's taught me. Even her death opened my eyes up and changed me.

Strength finds a place in me.

My favorite jeans in the whole world that everyone seems to hate and think are ugly, but I absolutely adore, now have a huge, very noticeable rip in the butt. No not a rip, more like a giant HOLE. I'm really really hoping that I can sew them. I love these jeans. I love pulling them out of my closet every couple of months and wearing them and everyone yelling at me "wtf laura, just get rid of those already". It's a small, incredibly ugly, part of my past that I insist on clinging onto. I will never give up on them. (:

I overdrew my bank account by $9.33, because of just the DOWN PAYMENT for my prom dress. But I don't even care. I love that dress. It's perfect for me. I would throw myself in front of a speeding truck for that dress. I sacrificed getting a gorgeous dress last year because I didn't want to dish out the funds for a big price tag. And there are only 2 or 3 times in a girl's life that she can wear an expensive gown, and I am DEFINITELY taking advantage of that. Once you see me in this dress, you will understand. And I work really hard and earn every cent that I have to my name, so for prom this year I'm going to go all out.

The Rose Ceremony was last week. I am incredibly grateful for being so blessed with such amazing parents. Who love me like crazy, who actually love each other, who are hard-working, supportive, down to earth, GOOD people.

I LOVE SENIOR YEAR

go to your calender and find the first entry from every month in 2008,
post the first line of it in your journal, and thats your 'year in review'

January:
"today is my grandma's birthday."

February:
"a lot of weird things have come up lately."

March:
"I need to stop bottling everything up inside."

April:
"New York is TOMORROW!!!!"

May:
"Well, my grandma Scheving died yesterday morning."

June:
"I just ate a whole box of wheat thins, wtf, I'm gonna puke haha."

August:
"So I've been thinking, and I think I want to start saving for a car. "

September:
"Goodbye Summer 08'...hello Senior Year."

October:
"I'm NOT going to lose her."

November:
"I know they aren't that great, but these ones are better than the re-takes that I took, which one should I use?"

December:
"I need someone to just tell me that everything is going to be okay."

I guess that pretty much sums it all up...

Last night I had a sleepover with tair and linz...it was a lot of fun, as usual,
we took a shower together,
and stayed up til' all hours in the morning talking.
they are always and forever my BFFs, end of story.
tair:"Hey baby, what's skakin'...what you makin' with that OMLET?!"
us: "...what did you just say..."
tair: "...i have no idea.."

"omg!!! where did that come from!!! why is it falling..!!!!???"

I've been thinking about something...
For the longest time I was always like "I'm not having sex until I'm married"
..But then I did. But it's weird to me, because, like for someone who wanted to wait til marriage, I'm don't even think I'm in love with him. To me it's weird for someone like me to be having sex and not even say I love you.

And I was also thinking...
While I was ironing my shirts for work yesterday, I was thinking about what would happen if Jesse and I broke up. Like, I feel like I would be devastated. And then I got angry, because I was like well this is exactly why I never got serious with guys, because I KNOW it leads to break up and heart ache. And like, I know me and Jesse will break up eventually, and thinking about that makes me so sad, and so angry at the same time...like I feel like angry at myself for letting myself get to a point that I would allow someone to hurt me. IDK.

But I had the weirdest dream, I dreamed..dreamt..dreampt? whatever...that I was being entered into a rehab clinic, and my mom found out that me and Jesse were still seeing each other, and for some reason wouldn't allow it, and so at the end of my dream I was just like completely devastated, and Jesse carried me to my room and I was crying, and he was saying goodbye to me. It was awful.

And I always saw people in bad relationships where they were like obsessed and crazy, and it was just like really shitty, and I was like "omg they are retarted, thats never going to happen to me" but then like, I feel like I see it happening. Like, I havent seen him since like Thursday and I already miss him and like want to be close to him. And I just feel like I'm getting to that point...and then I'm not..what ev.

I just got to spend 3 days and two nights out at my uncle's beautiful house. I love it. I wish I didn't have to go home tonight to go to work. Staying at this house, and sleeping in my bed I always do really makes me feel like a kid again. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to have Christmas here, it would seriously make my life. I feel like I really need to be next to my family right now, and spend as much time with them as possible. Our family of five is all my uncle has, we're small, but we're close. This being the first Thanksgiving without my grandma is really hard. Now I can understand why people don't like the holidays. My grandma Smith had thnaksgiving dinner with us, as she does every year. I still am angry about my grandma Scheving's death, which means I still want nothing to do with my Grandma Smith. All I do is compare them, and it just makes me miss my other grandma more, and hate my grandma smith more. I hate her. I don't even care how bad that sounds, but I do. My mom knows it too, when my grandma smith came to sit down next to me, my mom whispered to me "do you want to swicth seats" at the dinner table. I just really want my grandma scheving back. I REALLY want her back.

But Thanksgiving was nice, and my family is fun to be around.
The nicest part was when after dinner, my unlce came and layed with me on the ground by the fireplace, and we talked about everything. It meant a lot to me.

Thursday, Hillary, Holly, Danielle, Amanda, Chloe, Ryan, and I left school after thrid period and went to Hillary's house. We all made matching t-shirts for the pep rally for Friday. They all turned out super cute. Then we all went our seperate ways for a few hours then met back up at Hillary's house for a nice sleep over. It was fun leaving her house in our PJ's at 12:30 to get BK Icees, and going to Tops to buy tape.
Holly: "I don't think we're supposed to bring BK food into Tops"
Me: "I don't care...we're seniors, we do what we want" LOL.

Then we all woke up Friday morning and got ready together with our matching shirts, big bows in our hair, and "09" written on our faces, and drove to school together.

The first couple periods of the day we decked out the theatre in our senior color with ballons, and streamers and all sorts of senior things. It looked really awesome.

Then when we finaly had the rally all the seniors got to make a huge entrance. All of other classes were already seated, and our section in the front was all blocked off so nobody can sit there. Then we all got to come in pumped up to the "Live Your Life" song, and pom poms, and a "Seniors '09" slide show thing. It was a lot of fun. And the Pep Rally was a lot of fun too.

Then I was able to go to my boyfriend's house and spend time with him, after like a week and a half of not being able to because of plans not working out. I liked that. I got to play with his aunt's new puppy, which is adorable!!

Then I came home and tair was supposed to sleep over, and I kept calling her on my way home to pick her up, but the line was busy, and then I tried a few more times, but it still wouldn't go through, and then I fell asleep.

Now I am waiting for more hot water so I can take a shower, because there's like five people in my house and currently only one shower. I'm going to the mall with my mom to try and find something nice to wear to the senior roast on monday, and I want tair to come with me, but I still can't get a hold of her. jkdsgafkagfvah!

I miss her. I REALLY miss her. I mean, I loved spending time with all the girl's from school, but even when I was with them, there was like an emptiness, and I'm not even trying to sound dramatic. Tahira is just my comfort, and she fills that "emptiness" or whatever it is. And no other friend could ever take her place.

I know they aren't that great, but these ones are better than the re-takes that I took, which one should I use?







Life is good right now (:

I need to stop spending money...NOW.

I know I'm going to feel retarted in my halloween costume lol, alls well.

Today I took my five hour course, that class you have to sit through before you can get your license. It was slow torture. But now I'm really glad it's over with and I never have to go through that again.

Jesse is coming to dinner with my family at my uncle's house on Sunday.
I'm excited for him to meet the guy who has pretty much been my second father.
And I'm excited at that fact that my mom invited Jesse.

:D

I haven't been on livejournal, or updated in a million years.

It's really hard to put into words how I've been feeling lately.

I've been spending all my time at either school, work, or with Jesse.

And on one hand I don't mind it that much because it's money in the bank, and if I could I would spend every single second with Jesse.

But on the other hand, I miss my best friends. I miss tahira and lindsey and spending hours of time with them every day doing absolutely nothing. And I miss sharing everything with them and being completely intertwined with their lives.

I'm finding it really hard to balance my life lately.

I guess when it all comes down to it though, I need to make sure I don't fade from them. Because they were both there BEFORE Jesse, THROUGH EVERYTHING with Jesse, and I know they'll be there AFTER Jesse. So no matter how much I like him, and how much I want to spend every second with him, I know that my friendship with the two of them will never even compare to my relationship with Jesse. I could never care about or love any boy more than I love or care about them.

THE END.

So I'm dating Jesse,
LOL @ lifeeee/
:D

I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I just don't react to situartions or events the way anyone else would.

It's like I know I'm sad, or angry, or hurt, but I just don't feel it.
I think it, but I don't feel it.

And I think that's why it's so much harder to get over things, because I don't fully experience the effects.

idk.

Goodbye Summer 08'...
Hello Senior Year.

First day was good.
But I came home and felt so over-whelmed and bawled my eyes out.

I haven't cried in like almost 2 months, so EVERYTHING just came out.
I was lying there just thinking about all this shitty crap and I'm like
"this is so stupid...why am I even crying" laughing at myself,
but I couldn't stop it, and I just fell asleep.

Then I went to Applebee's with tim and lindsey and tair.
It was good, and good discussions.

SCHOOL IS AWKWARD!!!
I can tell it'll get better though.

And this year is going to be a breeze.

Why is a billion degrees?

Well I'm pretty upset right now.
Today started out really good.
I went to the mall and used my Pac Sun Loot, and eventhough I decided I don't like what I got, I'm going to the Galleria tomorrow where there is more of a selection.
Then I came home and went to work.
And it was really great, I was in cafe with Chris (: and it was really slow.
So we got everything done, and basically just talked.
Then I got this text message from Bridget while I was at work, and I read it and was like "oh my god!" and chris was like "what?" and I my eyes got a watery and my throat felt all swollen, and I was like "I think I'm going to cry" and he was like "what happened?".
Well Bridget sent me a text saying "I just wanted to tell you that I'm in Rochester at Jay's house for his grad party :)".
Like what the heck?! For those of you who don't know, I met Jay last year at work crew and we worked in the bakery together, and became good friends.
And it's just like, "hm...why didn't you tell me you were going to rochester" Like I could have definatley gone with you. Bridget dosen't even know him! But she went with Carly and Alicia. IDK it's just like really messed up, because she was there with me when I saw him at camp because he was coming to do work crew, and how happy I was to see him, and how I cried because I missed everybody, because there were also like 5 other people that were there too.
LIKE UGGHGHJFGhSJFHV!!!!!!!!

Well, I cut my hair, and it's above my shoulders, but not above my chin, like, I don't look like a guy or anything.
IDK how I feel about it. Like, it's cute and all, and it looks super healthy and shiny, but I really can't do anything with it, besides straighten it.
But, hair grows back, and mine grows at a decent rate.
(:

I'm calling in sick to work tomorrow for the second time in the ten months I've been working there. But I need to, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SEE JACK'S MANNEQUIN!!!!! AHH I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE PUMPED IN MY LIFE!!!

Things are falling back into place.

And I hate crest white strips, they're annoying.

Today I went to the fair with my family.
I won a fish and so did my sister!
We named them brownie and moon-pie.

It POURED! And now I'm wet and freezing.
But it was really fun being with them.
I'm not going to lie, there's a big part of me that one day wants to live on a farm.
Not with cows or anything.
Maybe some chickens and ducks, and an orchard, or corn or something.
HAHA idk, probably will never happen, but it's fun to think about.

I'm pretty sure I'm really over all the drama.
It's okamy though, because I don't really let it all get to me.
It's not worth it, especially because in about a month there will be all new drama.
I think I'm pretty good with letting things roll off my shoulders.
At least when people are watching.
I'm glad I'm going to be a senior.
That means only one more year of high school.
Which means only one more year of everyone's crap.

But I know that even when I'm out of high school, there will be new people, and new crap.
DEAL WITH IT, right?!

My mom bought me to the most AMAZING necklace today.
We got it from the Orchard Park antique store.
It's GORGEOUS! It's a cross necklace with a pink flower in the middle.
But it's an antique so it's all old looking.
I've been wanting a new cross necklace for a really long time, since my old one broke beyond repair. And I like this one because it's unlike any of the ones I've seen in the stores, so it feels one of a kind and special to me.
PLUS IT'S GORGEOUS!!!

My dad lost his job.
I know my dad, and he won't be out of work for long.
And I have faith in God that he's going to take care of us.
But I just need my mom to say "we're going to be fine".
Until then, I'm worried, as much as I shouldn't be, I am.

So I've been thinking, and I think I want to start saving for a car.
Because really I don't spend my money on anything important.
And eventually I'm going to NEED a car, not just want one.

But I have NO idea where to even start or look or anything.

I wonder if I can make a deal with my parents, like if I save so much, they'll give me the rest, or something like that.

HAHA at least it'll give me more motivation to work and maybe I won't hate it so much.

But then it's like, why bother getting a car now, I don't really NEED one.
I live pretty close to most of the places I need to get to.
I wouldn't drive to school, when I can take the bus for FREE, and it's more environmentally conscious.
And I wouldn't drive to work, because its literally a seven minute walk.

So now I don't know, I think I just talked myself out of that. lol.

And besides my family has two cars, it's not like I have NOTHING to drive.

But maybe I can still save anyways. Like start saving, this way I don't have to save that much for when I NEED a car after high school.

ANYWAYS.

Steve called me about last details for Saturday. And he was like "alright BUD?"
And I almost pissed my pants.
LOL who even says that?!

Right now I'm at tair's. I slept over last night after work. And it was a weird night. It didn't go anything like we had planned. And I was like so tired and would get in these really giggly moods and then eventually just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I talked to her about how I've been feeling lately. About how my feelings are always taken into considertaion last, and how I feel walked over. I mean but I guess it's not her fault, because she said she didn't even know that I was upset the other night. Oh well. I guess I just have to tell people how I'm feeling, and not just expect them to know. But it was a weird discussion because the whole mood was weird, and like I said, I was SO tired.

IDK.